We're In The Bollocks Business

I use to work for a company. They were okay, they had a tendency to to use nouns as verbs, but mostly they spoke English. Then they got taken over.

This is an excerpt from their current website:

We co-ordinate our work-loads through Global Delivery which implements our continuous improvement methods, tools and techniques and performance measurement approach.
Implementation embeds our range of tools, techniques and methods, for re-aligning and streamlining production and improving service over time. The outcome is standard service and production.
Aggregation consolidates resources and spare capacity wherever possible to permit more efficient utilisation.
We apply arbitrage by: Right-skilling, Near-Shoring and Off-Shoring. Processes are moved after they have been standardised and optimised locally.
Insurance software development and support, insurance policy and premium processing, Procure to Pay (P2P) and securities processing production are provided from India and Malaysia. 11% of our employees are in India and it is our aim to grow this to around 30%.
"The Xchanging Way" is our way of defining and measuring business performance. It enshrines our performance management approach for running each aspect of our operations. "The Xchanging Way" mindset and performance measurement approach builds up the culture of continuous improvement.

Someone got paid to write that. Bollocks, I say. Honestly, anyone who writes like that should be slowly dissolved into a Rocket-and-Feta-Cheese-Mocha-Frappa-Latte-Cino- Paninni-Smoothie using powerful industrial solvents and then used as an enema for anyone who was actually impressed.

They have no imagination. If I was their copywriter and *had* to write this shit I would have at least written it in haiku:

Apply arbitrage;
Near-shoring and off-shoring.
More Profits for all.
---
The Xchanging Way:
Defining and measuring,
Improvement always.

Or if they were willing to pay a little more, rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter:

Delivering best practice processes,
Leveraging skills within the sectors;
Our mindset optimally assesses
New vertical market business vectors.

Aggregating resource drives right-sizing,
Using tools and techniques to re-align
Production tool-sets for utilising
The efficient improvement paradigm.

You see! All the same bollocks content but a trillion times the style.

I would also like to offer this free guide to business speak for the lay person:

Thank you. I'll shut up now.