Thanks Fox News...

For having this on your front page:

Panel: Palin 'Abused Her Power'

Ethics inquiry concludes Palin was 'proper and lawful' in firing a state commissioner but failed to keep her husband from meddling in trooper's discipline.

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An interesting précis of the report in which the BBC seemed to think the author, investigator Steve Branchflower, concluded with:
"I find that Governor Sarah Palin abused her power by violating Alaska Statute 39.52.110 (a) of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act."

It's a good job we have Fox News to stop my mind being polluted by those radical communist BCC journalists!

Bums!

I have been roused from my blogging slumber by a recent poster advertising campaign that has left me all a-flutter and aghast. If you are of a delicate disposition I would advise that you look away, and skip the photograph that follows. It is not for eyes of decent folk - you have been warned.

Exhibit A.

Those who did not heed my warning and looked will probably be feeling quite nauseous and more than a little dirty right now. For those with the good sense not to look, let me describe the scene:

A 'lady' with painted lips half sits, facing away. She is naked except for stockings and shoes, her skin has a sickly pallor, an almost death-like waxy sheen. She rests only one buttock on the furniture, the other raised as if she is about to, or just has floated an air biscuit. In a mirror we can see that she is reading a book - probably by the Marquis de Sade or one of his impersonators. She has summoned her butler (portrayed female to encourage lewd thoughts of sapphic trysting), who has appeared in the foreground carrying a bottle of perfume on a tray. The 'lady' obviously enjoys humiliating the butler, making her witness her bodily functions with a sexual relish. She has ordered the butler to bring a bottle of perfume, just so she can fart at her as she leans forwards to scent her proffered buttocks. One expects from her expression she might follow through. On purpose.

Quite, quite horrid. I'm sure you must agree. If you haven't already witnessed this then I'm sorry for bringing it to your attention.

Now, there are, in this world, broadly speaking, two types of butt. Sexy butts, that make you go 'Mmmm, phwoar! hey hey! nice butt!' and then there are butts that make you think of the primary function of the fundamental orifice. I don't want to think about that whilst driving through town.

Just a thought.

Busy, busy busy...

Yikes. How can one small child take up so much of two adults time? Is this normal? Why hasn't the human race died out yet? This can't be right.

Right must dash. Have to buy custard.

Arrrgh!

We're In The Bollocks Business

I use to work for a company. They were okay, they had a tendency to to use nouns as verbs, but mostly they spoke English. Then they got taken over.

This is an excerpt from their current website:

We co-ordinate our work-loads through Global Delivery which implements our continuous improvement methods, tools and techniques and performance measurement approach.
Implementation embeds our range of tools, techniques and methods, for re-aligning and streamlining production and improving service over time. The outcome is standard service and production.
Aggregation consolidates resources and spare capacity wherever possible to permit more efficient utilisation.
We apply arbitrage by: Right-skilling, Near-Shoring and Off-Shoring. Processes are moved after they have been standardised and optimised locally.
Insurance software development and support, insurance policy and premium processing, Procure to Pay (P2P) and securities processing production are provided from India and Malaysia. 11% of our employees are in India and it is our aim to grow this to around 30%.
"The Xchanging Way" is our way of defining and measuring business performance. It enshrines our performance management approach for running each aspect of our operations. "The Xchanging Way" mindset and performance measurement approach builds up the culture of continuous improvement.

Someone got paid to write that. Bollocks, I say. Honestly, anyone who writes like that should be slowly dissolved into a Rocket-and-Feta-Cheese-Mocha-Frappa-Latte-Cino- Paninni-Smoothie using powerful industrial solvents and then used as an enema for anyone who was actually impressed.

They have no imagination. If I was their copywriter and *had* to write this shit I would have at least written it in haiku:

Apply arbitrage;
Near-shoring and off-shoring.
More Profits for all.
---
The Xchanging Way:
Defining and measuring,
Improvement always.

Or if they were willing to pay a little more, rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter:

Delivering best practice processes,
Leveraging skills within the sectors;
Our mindset optimally assesses
New vertical market business vectors.

Aggregating resource drives right-sizing,
Using tools and techniques to re-align
Production tool-sets for utilising
The efficient improvement paradigm.

You see! All the same bollocks content but a trillion times the style.

I would also like to offer this free guide to business speak for the lay person:

Thank you. I'll shut up now.

She's Back!

Around the end of April, I went to Surrey, to see two men about a Land Rover. My Land Rover.

A week later, I took my precious back to Surrey and left her there.

[Lone flute plays the theme from "Our Tune" with Simon Bates]

It wasn't easy but I had to do it. Since then, as you may have noticed my blogging tailed right off, I wasn't eating properly and I had a deep, gnawing emptiness inside of me. Hiring a convertible Mustang whilst on holiday helped a little bit, but it was too new, too soulless, too yet-another-modern-car.

[Cue 'Baby Come Back' by Player, 1978]

But on Saturday I ventured once more to Dunsfold in deepest, darkest Surrey and met once more with these people. And now it's all okay. She's back. And now, she's shiny. Oh yes!

Shiny, shiny car with new bonnet mascot.

Proud father with his two babies.

Happy, reunited family as seen in a very shiny door.

My neighbour thought that Land Rover must have produced a modern 'retro' model, but no! It's still my old faithful (even if she is starting to suffer from Grandfather's Old Axe Syndrome). And it's all very good, and did I mention shiny? The only problem is I don't want to get her muddy now....

[Cue 'You make my pants want to get up and dance', Doctor Hook Pleasure And Pain LP '78 ]

As she was.

Detail of new bonnet ornament.

(Did I mention that it's shiny?)

Fun For All The Family...

From Chatham to Chicago, a 900 miles bored game for all the family!

Start:6:30am.
Leave Chatham, Cape Cod, MA only 20 minutes later than planned - not bad. Move forward one space.

Drive the first 70 miles to Boston in one hour! Hoorah! Move forward 2 spaces!

Drive next 15 miles in one hour - poop. Miss a turn.

Satellite Navigation system knows the way back to the car rental place! Hoorah! Move forward 3 spaces!

Satellite Navigation tells you to 'Keep right', 'Keep right', 'Keep right', 'Turn left' as you go past the left turn because you were keeping right. Miss a turn.

Satellite navigation takes you on an architectural tour of downtown Boston. Swear. Go back two spaces.

Satellite navigation eventually gets you to hire car place with still time to get to airport! Move forward one space.

Car hire place checks in car in about 15 seconds and an airport shuttle bus turns up immediately just for you! Move forward 4 spaces and throw again!

American Airlines check in point is last along the airport one way system and heavy traffic, miss a turn.

Arrive at check in queue, young uniformed person asks your destination and points to a queue. Throw again.

Finally reach front of queue, Move forward one space.

Find out this queue is for 'e-tickets' only. Go to back of new queue (back two spaces).

Discover queue is full of strange and moronic families seemingly moving house by air each with at least 116 suitcases, all of which need repacking at the check-in desk. Watch as families take all their clothes/hairdriers/food mixers/children/other possessions out of some cases and cram them into other cases and weigh them again, and again, and again. Miss two turns.

Actaully get to front of right queue and check in luggage with an hour to go before flight departs! Pat yourself on back and move forward two places.

Discover queue for security check is 8 miles long as only one out of four security check points is open. Miss two turns. Swear. Watch time tick closer and closer to departure time.

Get through security without going 'beep' or requiring body cavity search. Move forward two spaces!

After much searching around find departure board and discover flight is delayed one hour. Miss two turns. Get a pizza.

Whilst hanging around gate notice the queue for security that caused you so much clock-watching anguish is now all gone, and people are just waltzing through. Miss one go due to high blood pressure.

Find out flight is delayed another hour. Go back one space.

Finally board plane! Huzzah! Move forward 3 spaces!

Wait further half an hour on plane because there is nowhere to land at Chicago as they are experiencing 'weather' and not allowing planes to land. Miss two turns.

Plane takes off without incident, flies to Chicago and lands! Bloody heck! Move forward 8 spaces!

Wait three quarters of an hour on plane because the allocated gate still has another aeroplane docked/moored^*, which can't leave as the crew haven't arrived and their flight is also delayed (and probably waiting behind ours for a gate). Miss a turn.

Get allocated a new gate, taxi to it and wait fifteen minutes to disembark. Miss a go, but then move forward 2 spaces. You're in Chicago! Sing 'A Little Bit Of Sunshine' from Chicago the musical.

Walk six hundred miles from gate ZZ-5674 to baggage reclaim and move forward to carousel 6 as announced, passing many eateries and shops on the way.

Move back to carousel 4, as this has your flight listed (back 1 space).

Wait thirty minutes and miss a turn.

See one of your bags on carousel 5! Collect it and move forward 3 spaces! You're nearly done!

Wait for rest of Luggage. Miss a turn.

Wait for rest of Luggage. Miss a turn.

Meet Meno at airport! Get an extra throw!

Wait for rest of Luggage. Miss a turn.

Find out other people on your flight also don't have luggage. Wait for rest of Luggage. Miss a turn.

Find out luggage is probably on next flight. Wait one and a half hours for next flight and miss three turns.

Try to go back to eateries and shops to get food and while away the hours. Find out that you can not go back due to one way security door with an angry guard. Make do with a coffee and miss a turn.

Luggage not on next flight. Join lost luggage queue. Go back 2 spaces and miss a turn.

Listen to person in queue find out that, despite the fact that the late arrival of their flight meant they missed their connection to Dallas, their luggage did not miss the connection. They have to spend night in Chicago hotel with two children while their luggage hurtles through the night on a plane they were too late to catch. Feel sympathy, miss a turn.

Get to front of queue only to have position at lost luggage desk close. Miss a turn and merge with other queue.

Wait half an hour behind southern couple whose luggage has been soaked in bleach during flight. Listen to them have to argue that dry cleaning can not unbleach clothes. Feel sympathy but miss two turns.

Report luggage missing and receive assurances it will arrive and will be forwarded to hotel. Leave airport with one of three bags. Move forward 1 space.

Find train station at airport, buy tickets, climb aboard. Train departs almost immediately. Move forward 2 spaces.

Discover train moves at 3mph and there are sixteen stops before downtown and the Hotel. Miss a turn for each stop, but move forward one space.

Train stops in tunnel while the 'Operator' 'Leaves the vehicle' to find and fix problem. Miss a turn.

See the words 'Navy Pier' written next to the station name on the station signs only as door closes and train pulls away. Swear. Move back 2 spaces.

Get off at next station and get next train back to previous station for 'Navy Pier', move foward one space

Emerge from subway station into a barren deserted light industrial landscape. Wonder if this is a good place to be walking about wearing the sartorial equivalent of having the words 'FOREIGN TOURISTS' painted in neon green letters across your chest. Look about furtively and move one space forward.

I am a tourist. Please mug me.

Hail a taxi from across a huge road junction which does a u-turn picks you up and delivers you directly to your hotel. Hoorah! You are there, order huge hamburger and gin from room service! If you have *all* your luggage then move straight to *Finish Line* you have won! Otherwise miss every turn until luggage arrives.

Receive phone call at 7am telling you luggage has arrived at hotel. Become quite excited and move foward 2 spaces.

Collect only one of the two missing bags. Sigh. Check internet for American Airlines baggage tracking and see that the last bag is on *next* flight. Move back one space. Sigh. Return to Bed. Miss a turn.

Get call at 11 am! The last bag is here. Over tip the porter who brings you your much missed luggage. Put on clean pants and go straight to *Finish Line*! You are now in Chicago with all your belongings!

Congratulations! You have finished the Chatham to Chicago dash. Total journey times-

You: 14 hours. Your luggage: 28½ hours



The journey from our Chicago hotel to our house in London (around 4000 miles) took 12 hours and was, thankfully, uneventful.

^*What is it called when an aeroplane is docked/moored at a gate?

My word!

Gosh, is it really two and a half months since I wrote anything? How time flies by! Well I've just had a most splendid holiday; far, far, away, in the land of the Baconator. Half the story can be read here the rest will be coming here soon... It will please you all to know that I got my Baconator. Mmmmm bacon.... it was, like, you know, like, totally awesome, and Antonia was, like, Oh My God, thats, like, totally gross! but I was like, you know, no waayyyy! like it is soooo totally, like, not gross, it's mommy-frickin' AWESOME!



Esme is just off to sleep, so I'll have to keep you all in suspense just a little longer,

pip, pip, y'all,

I.